Breathing
I have been stuck in this cycle for as long as I can remember. It is always the concept where I never let go of what I hold in my right hand until I hold something else in my left. And only let go of my left when I find a new right. And it keeps repeating.
Recently I have been so messed up. It's this perpetual feeling of always being down, no matter how much I try to occupy myself. Like being in a room filled with people, and still feel alone. I had this thinking that it was just a phase I was going through, or that I was just trying to be negative. But no matter how hard I tried to take my mind off thinking about bad things, it just accumilated, and accumilated, and it got worse. Even though I was busy in the day, every night, it got to me. Every night when I lay on my bed. I could never get to sleep. I only managed to catch some shut eye after I found my pillow soaked and too exhausted to do anything else. It wasn't a phase. It was me. It is me.
I'm finding my way back to sanity again..... though I don't really know what I'm going to do when I get there. I have to do this slowly. And even though everyone I know has given up on me and how messed up I get, I know that I will always have my own back.
No one will ever back you up when you need them the most. When you feel so saturated with thoughts and you feel like quitting, you call the people that mean most to you. But they just get so sick and tired of you. Of your 4am calls. Of your what it may seem to them trivial problems. They just wanna let go. They just wanna break free from you and live their own life. But who could blame them? Even you hate yourself for always being a burden to everyone else around you. And slowly you start to realise that the only person you have is you. And God. And you pray and pray, and slowly you will find your answer.
I'm just so sick and tired...of always being sick and tired.
Recently I have been so messed up. It's this perpetual feeling of always being down, no matter how much I try to occupy myself. Like being in a room filled with people, and still feel alone. I had this thinking that it was just a phase I was going through, or that I was just trying to be negative. But no matter how hard I tried to take my mind off thinking about bad things, it just accumilated, and accumilated, and it got worse. Even though I was busy in the day, every night, it got to me. Every night when I lay on my bed. I could never get to sleep. I only managed to catch some shut eye after I found my pillow soaked and too exhausted to do anything else. It wasn't a phase. It was me. It is me.
I'm finding my way back to sanity again..... though I don't really know what I'm going to do when I get there. I have to do this slowly. And even though everyone I know has given up on me and how messed up I get, I know that I will always have my own back.
No one will ever back you up when you need them the most. When you feel so saturated with thoughts and you feel like quitting, you call the people that mean most to you. But they just get so sick and tired of you. Of your 4am calls. Of your what it may seem to them trivial problems. They just wanna let go. They just wanna break free from you and live their own life. But who could blame them? Even you hate yourself for always being a burden to everyone else around you. And slowly you start to realise that the only person you have is you. And God. And you pray and pray, and slowly you will find your answer.
I'm just so sick and tired...of always being sick and tired.
posted by Lucy | 12:01 AM
3 Comments:
luci,
pray. if all else fails, do that. or maybe u can call me. i would gladly listen to you. just dun get too depressed.
-kwee
Hi, I read you post and I realized that you are tired of the all the problems that surrounds you, though I may not know what is the problem but you should know that there is no problem too hard for person to solve.
Maybe you should take a step back and look at the situation differently. Life is full of ups and downs, who don’t feel tired of living, but a different between a happy person and a cast down person is that the happy person knows how to forget the pain and continue living his life fully.
My suggestion for you is to bring an end to your concept of needing to hold a person’s hands; maybe life is more meaningful without having to share the burden with another person!
Anyway, praying may sometimes help a person to let go a burden, no matter who you pray to, may be nobody too. After all, who did we pray to when we make a wish before we cut our birthday cake on our birthday? Anyway, it is just a suggestion; you would decide what you would want to do.
Hope to see when you are writing your next post, it will be smiling and cheerful Luciana who is writing the post.
Smile always : )
Have a good night.
Anonymous.
Uh, ookay.
You know, I really appreciate the care and advice. But don't leave a comment if you're not going to leave a name.
Cheers.
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