No right, no wrong

So I think I have finally hit the point in my life where I should start asking myself what I want to do from here. I think that I have been pretty independent my whole life.. In terms of decision makings that is. Since I was small I made my own decisions to do what I want, when I want to. My parents brought me up that way. They always let me choose what I want to do. I was never forced to do anything. It wasn't that I was spoilt. It was more like they treated me like an adult. But that meant that I had to face consequences as an adult as well.

Well the consequences has finally backfired and I find myself regretting many paths I chose to take. Now as the days mount I feel the weights on my shoulders getting heavier. Every day is a day closer to the 'O' level examinations. I'll be honest. I feel like crap. I can't seem to be able to finish the syllabus of all my subjects. There just isn't enough time. I keep asking myself: What have I been doing the whole of Sec 3? Fuck man. I really feel like I wasted my time with Thomas. I get angry at myself everytime I think about how I seem to have wasted so much effort on something that didn't work out. Everything has now become should have. I should have done this, should have done that. Well news flash... I haven't done shit. I should have done it but I haven't. Regret has finally sunk in after 9 years of education. I guess now the question has inevitably become: How much badly do you want this? How much badly do you want to do well and make it?

Today for the first time in my life i considered dropping A math. I feel like I can't cope anymore. So much to do, not enough time. I have other subjects that I can barely scrape past with, much less A math. All I know is that I have given up all hopes of getting into a JC.
Only very recently I have been thinking about going to Australia like how my brother and sister did after their O levels. I always thought I would be the only one in the family who would do well, go to a good jc, prove my parents wrong and most importantly, make them proud. I have failed again. I never considered studying abroad because I always felt like I had a reason to stay. But ever since my life has been going downhill, I find myself unable to look for excuses to stay in Singapore. There is nothing left for me here. It would be so easy if I could take the easy way out and fly from this god-forsaken country. The only thing that is holding me back is Sam now. Just the thought of being away from him makes me sad but at the same time I have a choice to make. I keep wondering if I should screw Sam and chase my dreams, or if I should stay for him. Its scary.. Not knowing what your life would be one year from now. I will either be in some random poly or in Australia doing college.

I guess these are the consequences of not listening to your parents and making your own decisions.. I can feel it sinking into my head already....