Wonderboy

I have always held the belief that if you love someone enough, you will let him go if he is happier being with someone else.

Two days I ago I found out my ex boyfriend got married and his wife just gave birth last week. My ex boyfriend just finished poly and has not entered NS. We stopped seeing each other only last year September and within this short span of 8 months and he had gotten married and became a father.

The news came to me as a shock because one week before his son was born, we were still on talking terms and he told me he had broken up with his ex girlfriend. There was no mention about a baby and a marriage.
I went through a series of emotions when I found out about the pregnancy and marriage. At first I was shocked, then I was happy for him for the arrival of his new bundle of joy, then I became furious that he did not bring up his wife and child, but right now I'm just feeling hurt. It is not that I still wish that we get back together and continue where we left off. I have accepeted the fact that we cannot be together no matter the circumstances but I know that I still hold him in my heart and I care about him in a way no one else will be able to understand. We had good times together.. and I'm not someone who forgets.


Maybe the biggest regret I have is being emotionally attached to the people around me, because there's no knowing when they might leave. Isn't the feeling funny of how one minute you feel as though you are closer to someone than anyone else in the world and the next minute you both have become strangers on the street?
Right now I am at my lowest I have ever been. The people whom I thought would stick by me has left me. I don't think I have ever felt more alone in my life. Perhaps it is not that there is no one to turn to... but maybe I just feel like I want to be alone right now. Within the past 2 days I have been going through severe moodswings. I have been throwing tantrums at the people around me like a badly behaved child. I have been trying to control my emotions and tell myself that this is for the best. But everytime I hold my hands up to cover myself from each blow my elbows end up hurting the people around me whom I love. Everytime I try to protect myself I end up hurting the people around me.


In a short span of 2 days I have lost the one person whom I love very much. It wasn't a surprise. In the past few months we have been drifting apart and this incident has now torn us apart. I do not blame him because if anything, he was the one person who never gave up on me. But this time I broke down and in the process of it we decided to go our separate ways.
It is over, but unlike in the fairy tales, the wicked witch won this time. I am no more in my kingdom. Don't think I did not fight. I did, right up until the final moment. I have always found it hard to express myself to people. Too much fucked up thoughts going through my mind that I know if I speak I will scare them away.
I feel as if I have really broken down into little pieces this time. Now as the days mount I spend more and more time alone. This is of my own doing I do believe. I don't want to be a burden and no one wants to here me go on and on about my situation. I have become more independent and I have even stopped turning to my best friends because I know how they all get sick and tired of my problems. At the end of the day I only have myself to count on.


There is so much more to tell, but I just don't have it in me to tell. I feel so lonely and scared. What am I going to do now? Where do I go from here?